|SELF-LOVE AND MAP MAKING
(888 total words in this text)
Aaos in his youth had many dreams, pleasing and otherwise; awake and in his sleep. Frequently, fragments of dreams haunted him for many a day, but they were of his marriage bed. After his divorce he slept alone with his sword. Aaos, once dreamed he was till asleep, and this was his dream:
"He had been exploring an unknown country and having returned, was busy making maps from his rough sketches and memoranda. He was surprised how fresh was his memory of every questioned detail, at the ease with which his hand drew the mountains and contours of that unknown country. His dexterity became too pleasing and threatened an event long ceased and then forgotten."
By his determination he awoke and was able to calm the excited passion. He was consoled that nothing had happened. Then he spoke to himself thus:
"What new deceit is this? Must I be for ever solving the changing symbolism of the wretched morality-called 'I'? Do I still need a loin cloth for my passions? Verily, to be alone and map drawing is now an unsafe art! Sleep?-This sexual excitement still obtains. Procreation is with more things than women. The function of the sexuality is not entirely procreation: stranger experiences are promised than ever imagination conceived! One must retain-to give birth to will. Behold! my Self-love, thee I pleasure too well,-to let slip into other being!"
AAOS AND THE UNDERTAKER
One dark night, leaving the tavern more or less sober and wandering without thought, I arrived at a well illuminated undertaker's shop. Intoxicated, I am always curious of the work in such places-so here I paused. At that moment, the door was flung violently open and five drunken undertaker's assistants lurched into me. I objected in a mild way, they being numerous and I thinking that drunkards are lucky . . . But that any resistance or excuses I might offer would be unsatisfactory was too apparent. They had reached the quarrelsome state and I discovered-I knew these men too well! From argument to foul accusations [and what did they not call me?]-came blows-I thought it safer not to run away. Did I fight well? I know they did and with drunken humour dragged me into the shop to purchase a coffin. Within, came recognition-Alas, too truly they knew me! From then no quarter was given. That drunken fight among the dead and funeral furniture was hopeless for me.
I was robbed, stripped, spat upon, kicked and bound-what abuse did I not suffer? I think the humiliation and blows rendered me unconscious! But, I was not to rest so easily-they soon brought me back to consciousness for worse things . . . And I was told they had recently finished making my wife's coffin. They then forced me to view her dead body. Even in my pitiable state, I thought of the beauty of her corpse. Again, they reviled me because of her: she who, if I had not neglected her, would still be living. I, the whoremonger, betrayer of women, and arch-abnormalist. After much other insult; they told me-my fate. I was given the choice of being burnt to death or buried alive with her! Naturally my choice was to be alone. But no such chance was to be mine. I was buried alive with her corpse. With their combined weight forcing on the lid. I thought I was dead [for did I not hear the rushing winds?] when doubt crept into my soul. Then realization of life dawned when I felt that cold corpse crushed against my body by the tightness of the coffin,-never have I realized such horror! With a mighty yell, my after suspiration burst that overcrowded coffin into fragments! I arose, thinking I was alone. But no, sitting by the corpse, amid the debris was-the devil grinning! To be alone and half alive with the devil is not a welcome anti-climax ... Then he spoke unto me:
"Coward! where was thy courage, even against drunken enemies? Ah ah! Thou hast indeed willed pleasure! Who has the power, Thou or I? What medicine for the dead Gods! Thou wretched scum of littlenesses-heal thy gaping wounds, thou art more fitted to pray than to prey."
Much more did he utter, till my very ears closed. With a body torn to pieces, crushed in every part-what was I to answer? My silence compelled him again to speak:
"Hast thou no complaint?"
In a mighty rage-for this was a worse goad than all my earlier suffering-I answered:
"Curses, no! keep your possessions.-I will pleasure. Do your utmost! this poor thing my body you will again replace!"
Then I fought the devil and behold,-I became alone! What happened? I, in my miserable plight, not even my teeth left-how could I have conquered the devil? Did I become a succubus? Perhaps-I became the devil? But this I know-I did will pleasure. And from this day shall smile in all men's faces. Then Aaos awoke and murmured:
"Belief and desire are the great duality which engender all illusions that entangle the senses [i.e. sexuality] and prevent free will. What is all accidental suffering but reaction from dead loves now become diableries. How much are we sensible of body? Yet the composition of the body is its relationship between consciousness and all creation. Without doubt I am now an-undertaker!"
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